How to Pass a Drug Test 420.org

How to pass a urine test isn’t rocket science. Companies who sell so-called ‘detox’ drinks would prefer you didn’t know that, though. If you’ve ever used one, you’ll know that they all tell you to drink lots of water along with taking their product. That’s because diluting, and then taking steps to mask your dilution, is the ONLY proven method for how to pass a urine test and they know it.

(BTW: This post is about going through the urine drug test procedure. Go here if you’re looking for information on how to pass a urine test.)

A few first-timers have emailed me wanting to know more details about what to expect during a urine drug test. Although it’s impossible to tell you exactly since lab procedures vary somewhat, here’s a description of the “worst case scenario”, based on my own experience and what others have told me about their experiences. Knowing the gory details of how bad it might be may make it not seem so bad if the lab you go to is a little more laid back.

First off, some labs are more relaxed than others about how they collect your urine sample. Some are basically like, here’s a cup, there’s the bathroom, bring me back some pee. But if the lab you go to does it strictly by the book, it’s a pretty humiliating experience in a way. But hey, the whole IDEA of being tested is humiliating, so what’s one more humiliation to them, ‘eh?

Anyway, a by-the-book testing lab will have you remove all your clothing (and I do mean all) and put on a hospital type gown that’s open in the back. This is to try to prevent you from passing your drug test by substituting with someone else’s pee. I say ‘try’, because a few really determined people even manage to smuggle in a substitute under these conditions, but we’re talking majorly risky here. If you’ve got the guts to even try though, my hat’s off to ya.

After you’re buck-naked with this flimsy cotton gown on, a technician will take you into another room, which might be a restroom or it might just be a bare hospital type room if you’re a guy. Either way, the room is pretty bare to further prevent you any opportunities for tampering with your specimen, so there probably won’t even be a sink with running water. And in many cases the water in the toilet will be dyed blue, to prevent you from using it to try to dilute your specimen right in the cup.

The escort might actually observe you while you’re peeing into a vial, or else he or she will just be hovering nearby. Unless you know someone who’s already been at that particular lab before, this is why substitution is so risky. You need to know beforehand just how closely you’re going to be observed.

When you’re done peeing into the cup, you hand the vial over to the technician. The very first thing they do is ‘test its temperature’, usually right there on the spot. If it isn’t somewhere in the range of between like 92-100 degrees, it’s usually an automatic fail since they’ll know you substituted. But assuming you pass the temperature test, they let you go get your clothes back on at this point and you’re done for the day.

And then you wait… Depending on the lab, they may do the initial dip test right there and you’ll have your results before you leave. But usually you have to wait 24-48 hours, and in some cases they inform your employer first. That sucks, because then your life is in limbo for another couple of days or so (thank god the lab I go to does it right there on the spot). And in SOME cases it’s just a “no news is good news” situation. If your results are negative maybe no one will even tell you. In that case you either have to risk looking suspicious by asking, or just hold your breath until a reasonable length of time has passed and you can assume that it was negative. But if it’s positive, you’ll almost always know within a day or two.

Although I’ve done this enough times now and I’ve got my routine down so well that I don’t really worry, but still – it’s always a relief to get the final word. I think if you’re on probation and you’re getting tested, they pretty much always have you wait and you’ll get your results right away. I don’t know if this is always true, but so far everyone I’ve talked to who got tested for this reason has found out their results right away.

How to pass a urine test is really pretty easy. And the satisfaction I feel each time I fool those idiots helps me forget the humiliation of it all. :-)

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